Bet you thought this wouldn't happen, didn't you? Well, it did.
We've had an interesting history, you and I. And a single turn of events changed so many things in both of our lives. I've said many bitter things in the past 14 months, and I'd like to say I apologise, but I'm not going to, because at the time, it's what I needed to aid my own healing. I'm sure you understand.
Over the time I've known you, it's been some of the best and worst times of my life. And I think that gives it a nice balance. We grew in many different ways together, discovered parts of ourselves we didn't know existed, and learned to somehow love the parts we thought we'd hidden perfectly from everyone.
I've said things recently, that may have not come out right. It gives me great pride, that through all of the shit in the middle, I'm still one of your beacons for advice. You don't make the best decisions, but maybe that's why you make them, so that when the time comes, when a mistake isn't an option; and believe me, it will, you will have the wisdom to face whatever nightmare comes your way.
I have the utmost confidence that eventually, in some way or another, you will succeed in everything you do. I know deep down, regardless of laziness or whatever, you have the drive and the self preservation to push. And the humility to listen when it's important. I know I tried to make you into a man, maybe too early or too fast or just the wrong kind, and I know that that was wrong of me now. You weren't my child, and sometimes I forget that. I'm learning to remember, you'll be happy to know. This is just one of a million perfect moments.
You've become a man all on your own,
And when the time comes,
You'll be a great father.
X
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I am the worst blogger ever.
So I know I haven't updated in a long time. And I know that makes me a bad person. But lots has happened. And I don't know how much I want to tell you..
Fuck it. You can hear it all.
So, I have a boyfriend.
I think that's what you call it, I feel sometimes like I'm just using him as a warm body to fill the space in my bed until I can have what I know, deep down, I truly want. And that feeling alone is horrible. Because you are amazing, you make me laugh, you give me hugs, you come into Uni when I'm sick to make sure I get home okay. You put off your assignment because in my sick state I am "More important than Stats."
You take good care of me, and it's a nice feeling to have, that you're actually wanted by someone who can actually touch you.
But you're not him, but maybe I'm just being too quick to judge. I'm not giving up on you, though ;).
So I've had an interesting 2 weeks, I've had to go to hospital and buy ECP on a Sunday morning. (Sorry God, I know I'm going to hell.) On the plus side, it was quiet. But you came with me, and bought me food, which was terribly adorable. Then I had to go the docs, had an MSU and a PT (it was negative, FYI). Got a repeat asthma prescription, some Thrush meds and my first ever prescription for The Pill.
In this week alone I've had a UTI and a meningitis scare. Neck still hurts, brain isn't fully firing on all cylinders yet, and I'm still a little fevery, and that little rash hasn't gone away. But I'm not bed ridden and I haven't thrown up. We'll see.
If next week is anything like the last two have been, I'd better book my hospital bed now, because bad luck comes in threes, right?
..Right?
X
Fuck it. You can hear it all.
So, I have a boyfriend.
I think that's what you call it, I feel sometimes like I'm just using him as a warm body to fill the space in my bed until I can have what I know, deep down, I truly want. And that feeling alone is horrible. Because you are amazing, you make me laugh, you give me hugs, you come into Uni when I'm sick to make sure I get home okay. You put off your assignment because in my sick state I am "More important than Stats."
You take good care of me, and it's a nice feeling to have, that you're actually wanted by someone who can actually touch you.
But you're not him, but maybe I'm just being too quick to judge. I'm not giving up on you, though ;).
So I've had an interesting 2 weeks, I've had to go to hospital and buy ECP on a Sunday morning. (Sorry God, I know I'm going to hell.) On the plus side, it was quiet. But you came with me, and bought me food, which was terribly adorable. Then I had to go the docs, had an MSU and a PT (it was negative, FYI). Got a repeat asthma prescription, some Thrush meds and my first ever prescription for The Pill.
In this week alone I've had a UTI and a meningitis scare. Neck still hurts, brain isn't fully firing on all cylinders yet, and I'm still a little fevery, and that little rash hasn't gone away. But I'm not bed ridden and I haven't thrown up. We'll see.
If next week is anything like the last two have been, I'd better book my hospital bed now, because bad luck comes in threes, right?
..Right?
X
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Back From The Dead.
So, it's been a long time, old friend. But X has come to call on you once more. After 6 weeks of neglection, I'm back like a booty call. But I swear to give you an update worthy of this seperation.
After I moved, I met people. Lots of people, you all changed my life, in a way that solidified who I was as a person. And made me realise I didn't need anything to really reinforce that. I've made some silly mistakes, most of which I'll divulge now.
So we met, you stayed over; -I've never seen anyone so nervous. We fooled around, for hours. But there was certain things that hurt me about that, I was some little secret. You didn't want anything public, you didn't want anyone to know... It's humiliating hearing that someone thinks that you're worthy of their time, but only when it suits, and with serious catches. Initially I agreed, but it was only later that I realised I had higher esteem for myself. And that I deserved to feel like whoever I was, if it ever got to that stage, sleeping with wasn't embarrassed about it.
On the other hand, sleeping with you was a bad idea. I didn't enjoy it. I'm sure it's got nothing to do with you, or maybe it does, but I wasn't really into it. It felt like something that just happened, more than something I truly wanted to happen. There was no real build up, and I knew I was just a trophy to you. I knew it was nothing more than a fuck to you. If I could take it back, I would. I understand the concept of just sex, I understand the concept of friends with benefits, and I understand relationships and love. But maybe it was that I truly felt meaningless, like a cheap little slut. I don't think I need to feel special, but you just seemed... like a machine, hollow and emotionless. You need serious psychological help for the damage you've done to yourself. As an aside, I'm sorry I told you what I told you, I was in a denial stage. I wanted to believe that I'd made the right decision, that I hadn't really fucked up big time. Telling you what I did was cruel, and a lie.
For what it's worth, our night was light years better.
I'd like to thank you. From the bottom of my X heart. So many times you've bailed me out, you've saved me. You always play pool with me, make me laugh, stay with me when I'm sick and throwing up, take me to bed.. and even check on me in the morning. You stay up with me when I can't sleep, you teach me things so I can better understand subjects I'm taking. You go for late night walks so I can talk the whole way about how dumb I am. You listen, unconditionally. You have to be one of the most valuable people I've ever met, I feel bad that I always rely on you, but thank you, so much. I just hope there's no catches... Some day I'll give you the biggest hug ever. I don't think anyone quite understands what kindness means to me. It won't be overlooked, it isn't overlooked, I notice everytime. And I am ever grateful.
You.. Christ I miss you. I can barely stay in my room, it's the only way I can tone it down, control it. This is hard, I miss waking up with you, going to bed with you. I miss listening to you sleep and try not to snore. I miss talking about nothing for 9 hours. I love you, so much it stings, so much it's unbearable. I hate being away from you. I hate that I don't spend my free time with you. But if I didn't, then I know you'd make me, I know you'd be upset that I was neglecting other aspects of my life. I don't care. I want you here. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I almost go AWOL. I need to see you, you're the light at the end of my tunnel, would someone put NOS in this train's engine?
Apologies to you.
Fuck you.
Thank you.
I love you.
X
After I moved, I met people. Lots of people, you all changed my life, in a way that solidified who I was as a person. And made me realise I didn't need anything to really reinforce that. I've made some silly mistakes, most of which I'll divulge now.
So we met, you stayed over; -I've never seen anyone so nervous. We fooled around, for hours. But there was certain things that hurt me about that, I was some little secret. You didn't want anything public, you didn't want anyone to know... It's humiliating hearing that someone thinks that you're worthy of their time, but only when it suits, and with serious catches. Initially I agreed, but it was only later that I realised I had higher esteem for myself. And that I deserved to feel like whoever I was, if it ever got to that stage, sleeping with wasn't embarrassed about it.
On the other hand, sleeping with you was a bad idea. I didn't enjoy it. I'm sure it's got nothing to do with you, or maybe it does, but I wasn't really into it. It felt like something that just happened, more than something I truly wanted to happen. There was no real build up, and I knew I was just a trophy to you. I knew it was nothing more than a fuck to you. If I could take it back, I would. I understand the concept of just sex, I understand the concept of friends with benefits, and I understand relationships and love. But maybe it was that I truly felt meaningless, like a cheap little slut. I don't think I need to feel special, but you just seemed... like a machine, hollow and emotionless. You need serious psychological help for the damage you've done to yourself. As an aside, I'm sorry I told you what I told you, I was in a denial stage. I wanted to believe that I'd made the right decision, that I hadn't really fucked up big time. Telling you what I did was cruel, and a lie.
For what it's worth, our night was light years better.
I'd like to thank you. From the bottom of my X heart. So many times you've bailed me out, you've saved me. You always play pool with me, make me laugh, stay with me when I'm sick and throwing up, take me to bed.. and even check on me in the morning. You stay up with me when I can't sleep, you teach me things so I can better understand subjects I'm taking. You go for late night walks so I can talk the whole way about how dumb I am. You listen, unconditionally. You have to be one of the most valuable people I've ever met, I feel bad that I always rely on you, but thank you, so much. I just hope there's no catches... Some day I'll give you the biggest hug ever. I don't think anyone quite understands what kindness means to me. It won't be overlooked, it isn't overlooked, I notice everytime. And I am ever grateful.
You.. Christ I miss you. I can barely stay in my room, it's the only way I can tone it down, control it. This is hard, I miss waking up with you, going to bed with you. I miss listening to you sleep and try not to snore. I miss talking about nothing for 9 hours. I love you, so much it stings, so much it's unbearable. I hate being away from you. I hate that I don't spend my free time with you. But if I didn't, then I know you'd make me, I know you'd be upset that I was neglecting other aspects of my life. I don't care. I want you here. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I almost go AWOL. I need to see you, you're the light at the end of my tunnel, would someone put NOS in this train's engine?
Apologies to you.
Fuck you.
Thank you.
I love you.
X
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Changes.
So, I know where I'm moving now. It took 2 emails and a phone call, but I got there. They've reinstated my place at International House, and I move in on Sunday. This gave me 2 days (today and tomorrow) in which to get last minute stuff and finish off my packing.
It's a weird feeling, leaving home. Bittersweet I believe is the operative word. On the one hand, I am so pumped to be in full control of my life. To answer to myself and fully accept all of the consequences. To be living in Inner City; -I finally get to seriously party. It's such a liberating feeling, packing your suitcase, knowing that you'll never permanently live at home again.
And yet, that point brings me sweetly to my next; For nigh on 18 years I've been living at home. I'm used to the comfortability, the safety. Even the silly arguements with my Mother. There is not a doubt in my mind that I'm ready, I could've probably coped 2 years ago, but now I really want it. Staying at home is... hard. It's weird when the day you've pined for since you were 8 and your parents grounded you for a perfectly respectable reason, which back then was so uncool and annoying, has finally arrived.
I got my "best" shot today, incidentally I have to have 2 more. Oh the joys.
X
It's a weird feeling, leaving home. Bittersweet I believe is the operative word. On the one hand, I am so pumped to be in full control of my life. To answer to myself and fully accept all of the consequences. To be living in Inner City; -I finally get to seriously party. It's such a liberating feeling, packing your suitcase, knowing that you'll never permanently live at home again.
And yet, that point brings me sweetly to my next; For nigh on 18 years I've been living at home. I'm used to the comfortability, the safety. Even the silly arguements with my Mother. There is not a doubt in my mind that I'm ready, I could've probably coped 2 years ago, but now I really want it. Staying at home is... hard. It's weird when the day you've pined for since you were 8 and your parents grounded you for a perfectly respectable reason, which back then was so uncool and annoying, has finally arrived.
I got my "best" shot today, incidentally I have to have 2 more. Oh the joys.
X
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Girly.
I rarily feel like this. But lately I'm feeling more and more like it. It's surging endorphins, I know this because you get it when you sing. And by sing, I mean really really sing. And you feel awesome, and alive and on top of the world.
I'm terribly happy. I'm in a state of constant butterflies.
I think I found the drive I needed. I've never felt so motivated.
X
I'm terribly happy. I'm in a state of constant butterflies.
I think I found the drive I needed. I've never felt so motivated.
X
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Stunned, Take 2.
I am so sorry. No one should have to hear that on Valentines Day, or on any day for that matter. I still don't quite believe what happened, and the amount of faith I have lost in the parties involved is astronomical.
You, I love you, you know I do, and I will support what ever decision you make. But I won't let you get bent out of shape, I know you're the one that everyones going to latch on to, because that's what happens when you're Switzerland. But in this case, you need to seriously bias that neutrality. I hate to say "don't trust him as far as you can throw him", but he's crossed a line, and by crossing one of us, like that, well... you know how I feel about it.
You. I don't know how you could betray a friend like that. I know what you've said before, but if you really value a person as a friend, you certainly don't pull the stunt you did. For as long as you did, and still be CALM around them. That's the one thing I can't get over. You saw him last week, you complete fuckwit. How could you face him, any of us, knowing what you were doing behind his back? And for that matter, what the fuck did you think was going to happen? That life would be all sparkly? It'd end and no one would ever know?
You complete selfish fuck.
No one deserves that betrayl. You both should feel utterly ashamed of yourselves. I don't know which of you I'm more disappointed and disgusted in. Well yes, I do, because you supposedly loved him. Which, I can't for the life of me grasp that concept. Because you don't DO that to the people you care about. Ever. You both deserve flogging and disowning. Be grateful I'm not there, I'd have torn you a new one. Make no mistake.
Words cannot describe how disappointed, disgusted, and utterly pissed off I am.
X
You, I love you, you know I do, and I will support what ever decision you make. But I won't let you get bent out of shape, I know you're the one that everyones going to latch on to, because that's what happens when you're Switzerland. But in this case, you need to seriously bias that neutrality. I hate to say "don't trust him as far as you can throw him", but he's crossed a line, and by crossing one of us, like that, well... you know how I feel about it.
You. I don't know how you could betray a friend like that. I know what you've said before, but if you really value a person as a friend, you certainly don't pull the stunt you did. For as long as you did, and still be CALM around them. That's the one thing I can't get over. You saw him last week, you complete fuckwit. How could you face him, any of us, knowing what you were doing behind his back? And for that matter, what the fuck did you think was going to happen? That life would be all sparkly? It'd end and no one would ever know?
You complete selfish fuck.
No one deserves that betrayl. You both should feel utterly ashamed of yourselves. I don't know which of you I'm more disappointed and disgusted in. Well yes, I do, because you supposedly loved him. Which, I can't for the life of me grasp that concept. Because you don't DO that to the people you care about. Ever. You both deserve flogging and disowning. Be grateful I'm not there, I'd have torn you a new one. Make no mistake.
Words cannot describe how disappointed, disgusted, and utterly pissed off I am.
X
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