Back From The Dead.

So, it's been a long time, old friend. But X has come to call on you once more. After 6 weeks of neglection, I'm back like a booty call. But I swear to give you an update worthy of this seperation.

After I moved, I met people. Lots of people, you all changed my life, in a way that solidified who I was as a person. And made me realise I didn't need anything to really reinforce that. I've made some silly mistakes, most of which I'll divulge now.
So we met, you stayed over; -I've never seen anyone so nervous. We fooled around, for hours. But there was certain things that hurt me about that, I was some little secret. You didn't want anything public, you didn't want anyone to know... It's humiliating hearing that someone thinks that you're worthy of their time, but only when it suits, and with serious catches. Initially I agreed, but it was only later that I realised I had higher esteem for myself. And that I deserved to feel like whoever I was, if it ever got to that stage, sleeping with wasn't embarrassed about it.

On the other hand, sleeping with you was a bad idea. I didn't enjoy it. I'm sure it's got nothing to do with you, or maybe it does, but I wasn't really into it. It felt like something that just happened, more than something I truly wanted to happen. There was no real build up, and I knew I was just a trophy to you. I knew it was nothing more than a fuck to you. If I could take it back, I would. I understand the concept of just sex, I understand the concept of friends with benefits, and I understand relationships and love. But maybe it was that I truly felt meaningless, like a cheap little slut. I don't think I need to feel special, but you just seemed... like a machine, hollow and emotionless. You need serious psychological help for the damage you've done to yourself. As an aside, I'm sorry I told you what I told you, I was in a denial stage. I wanted to believe that I'd made the right decision, that I hadn't really fucked up big time. Telling you what I did was cruel, and a lie.

For what it's worth, our night was light years better.

I'd like to thank you. From the bottom of my X heart. So many times you've bailed me out, you've saved me. You always play pool with me, make me laugh, stay with me when I'm sick and throwing up, take me to bed.. and even check on me in the morning. You stay up with me when I can't sleep, you teach me things so I can better understand subjects I'm taking. You go for late night walks so I can talk the whole way about how dumb I am. You listen, unconditionally. You have to be one of the most valuable people I've ever met, I feel bad that I always rely on you, but thank you, so much. I just hope there's no catches... Some day I'll give you the biggest hug ever. I don't think anyone quite understands what kindness means to me. It won't be overlooked, it isn't overlooked, I notice everytime. And I am ever grateful.

You.. Christ I miss you. I can barely stay in my room, it's the only way I can tone it down, control it. This is hard, I miss waking up with you, going to bed with you. I miss listening to you sleep and try not to snore. I miss talking about nothing for 9 hours. I love you, so much it stings, so much it's unbearable. I hate being away from you. I hate that I don't spend my free time with you. But if I didn't, then I know you'd make me, I know you'd be upset that I was neglecting other aspects of my life. I don't care. I want you here. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I almost go AWOL. I need to see you, you're the light at the end of my tunnel, would someone put NOS in this train's engine?

Apologies to you.
Fuck you.
Thank you.

I love you.

X