About Me.

This is a bit of a long time coming, brace yourself, for some serious serious honesty.

I see myself more like the shapeshifter pokemon, Ditto, than a mirage of an actual person. Instead of being one constant, I am an every changing, ever fluctuating, inter changable ball of feelings, emotions, actions, consequences, preference, and intensity.

Naturally, I think I harbour quite an intense personality, I'm loud, I'm bubbly, I'm in-your-face. I'm opinionated, I'm stubborn, I'm scary as hell. And right now, I feel like a complete and utter fuckwit. You know that old saying about holding a dove too tight? Well, for me that happens when I ASSUME. Christ, I hate people that assume about others, that are arrogant enough to think they know what someone else is truely feeling without, well, knowing shit about them.

The problem with me, is I read body language, and I get on my ego trip, thinking I'm the shit, because I know how everyone feels. I know what this face means, I know what those three dots mean. I know. Or at least, I think I know. Which is enough for me. Until moments like now, when I'm taken back a peg or two. Thank you, by the way, if you feel like shit, please don't.
Very few people call me on my shit, or rather, make me call myself on my own shit. But you did. Here was me, mucking about, teasing, and you actually felt genuinely bad. Oh Jesus. How could I be so wrong? I stop listening, to signs all around me, I just figured that you were comfortable, and I could continue being a cuntrag. Christ, and the worst part is I KNEW, I knew all about that little secret, and I have all along. But I have a tendancy to sometimes get selfish and claim I know whats best for people. I don't know what it was about you, something just made me giddy. I can't describe that... animal like instinct. It was like, a lion and a kill. I didn't really GIVE a shit about anything other than myself. Ugh. I am so fucking stupid. When I said I was happy for you, though, I DID mean it. With all my heart. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I really really am rootin' for you.

Sometimes I just take things too far.

You love me so much it... scares the fuck out of me. I feel like I'm USING you. To get some sort of selfish reward out of it. But I dunno, my conscience is starting to kick in, what I'm doing is wrong. I think we're going to have to have a serious chat. Not tomorrow, I know you're reading this, but give me a few days to sort my shit out. I so couldn't handle a deep and meaningful when I have so much other stuff to stress about.

And you... after the two preceding events, I don't think there's anyone I want to be with more. I mean, the situation isn't quite opportune, but I think it's something that's always been there. Sitting under the surface. For both of us. I mean, I know the boys gave you shit for months about confessions you made whilst in a mildly drunken stupor. But I think it started to hit me when you were talking about me to the others, when I could hear. And that element of pride. Christ, I don't know where to start. I really don't. There's nothing to say, nothing I can put into words. I could write a list of all of the things that're in my mind right now. I think you're the happy mix, in the first I'm like some sort of crack addicted mongrel wild thing, in the second I'm a leech. You, I'm neither. We laugh, we joke, we talk for hours. God I've missed that. It only starts to sink in how much I've truely missed that when we start pulling all nighters. And I go "Wow. Nothing's changed". I suppose we're going to have to have a serious talk, too.

....I think I wanna marry you.

X