Explosion.

You have not experienced stress until you have spent a day in my shoes. I sound terribly sure of myself, but really, I'm very much so serious.
First things first, Student Loan. The idea was that even though I've got money stashed away for University, it's going to stay there and earn interest, whilst the government pays for my tuition for 3 years and then I pay them off in one go at the end. Makes sense, right?

We've received so much correspondence from the Government, who will henceforth be referred to as G, regarding proof of identity, citizenship etc. Which, I've happily sent them. They sent me another letter wanting pretty much the exact same thing. So. My idea was, was that this time we take the drive up to the nearest G building, and sit down with someone and sort it out there. No more letters, everything is done in max an hour, and I can go home knowing that I'm not going to receive another letter next week saying I've forgotten something. This was all sweet. Until I hear Mother on the phone with G talking about setting up an online account. She then, after I talk to a very nice lady and hang up, decides that we've got all we need and we're going to send them another letter. (Bearing in mind that the first time we got forms from them, I suggested going into said G office for the same purpose. And Mothership was down for it until the last minute when she makes the call to just send the stuff off.) Deja vu, anyone?

Now, lets rewind a little;
On our way home yesterday, she told me that in no uncertain terms, if this Loan didn't go through cos I somehow fucked it up, she would not be footing the bill. And I'd have to go to Father and plead for him to delve into the aforementioned Uni Slush Fund. Which, he doesn't want to touch, at all. And if he refused, it'd be coming out of my pocket. All $5,007.90 of it. Her reasoning was that she was pretty much broke. She wasn't a year ago, but somehow in 13 months she has managed to spend every penny she had to her name. And in a sort of twisted way guilt trip me because I HAVE money. Oh yes boys and girls, I have life savings, ones I've had since I was born. And I don't touch it. I have full access to it, but I don't touch it. I refuse to go down the slippery slope of dabbling. Plain and simple, if I don't have cash on hand to buy whatever (And the majority of my stuff, Food, Shoes, Clothes ((Not uber things like Laptops etc, they are all gifts I am very grateful for)) is paid out of my own pocket) I won't buy it. Simple.

Now, I'd also like to point out that the BILL has arrived. With no loan to cover it, as yet. And in 3 weeks this all has to straighten itself out. And if it's not paid somehow, I don't go. I've waited 3 fucking years to get this far, I am not about to let this happen. So, amongst worrying over my Mother's well being, My Loan, University not kicking me out, the shit I wrote about yesterday, and some other stuff I don't want to disclose, my mind is pretty much running at full tilt. I am suffering. At 17, I shouldn't have had as many cases of Stress boils, hives, and general physical illness as I have had. My DOCTOR told me I had far too much on my plate, the FIRST time I got boils, and I've had about another 2 or 3 cases since in the past 6 months. This is coming from a man, who deals with sick people on a day by day basis, who is under constant stress from patients and hospitals, and has only had a boil ONCE, and he practically lost it.
So apart from the feeling of being completely overwhelmed, and drowning with no one to make sure I don't fall to my doom but myself, I am not sleeping either. Sleep is just an opportunity for my mind to run full tilt with no distractions. I have no escape from myself.

Adding on from the sinking to my death with no assistance, this morning on our way to the bank, with everything else I was worrying about, I've started forgetting shit. Not life or death, but simple shit like my Debit Card. Which meant I couldn't swap my account to Tertiary, no biggy, right? We'll just drive all of 5 minutes home and pick it up. But the look I get as I remember I haven't got it, is purely condescending; a mix of disappointment and lack of surprise. This bit is priceless, however, as I get in the car she says "Are you ready for University?" In that "There is no way you are ready to wipe your own arse let alone live on your own and fend for yourself." tone. Even though I'd told her before we left how stressed I was, she still manages to make it about her "I don't need you being stressed, I'm stressed enough without you being stressed." Well excuse me. Whose life is it we're fucking about at the moment? I bet you if it was to do with her, we'd have gone to that Goddamn G office.

I am Jack's quiet desire to die.

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